I had a really nice conversation with my son, Johnny, the other day about this topic. It's nice knowing that he not only listens to me, but takes in what I teach him and lives his life that way too!! As I'm sure most of you already know, my son is a victim of bullying. Ever since he was 5 years old he's been getting bullied. It started in daycare. At first, everything was fine - as it should be when your 0-5 years old (technically, it should be your whole life). Then, kids started picking on him because of how nice and goofy he was. Johnny has a really big heart, so it really hurt him that his friends were being mean to him and he didn't fully understand it either. He came home crying, a lot, all he wanted was to be friends with everyone. The final straw was the day some kid pulled his pants down (underwear and all) in the middle of the classroom. He was beyond humiliated (even though he was way too young to even know what embarrassment was!!!) and I with-drawled him that day.
Things got better for a little while. Then we got him enrolled in Kindergarten at a Catholic school. I went to a Catholic school my whole life, 12 years to be exact, so I was excited for Johnny to get the education and closer interaction with his teachers and more kids at the school. Unfortunately, that was not what happened. Johnny was immediately targeted by a few bullies there. One was in his class and the others were older kids in the after school daycare the school offered. After talking with the after school teachers multiple times about the bullies he was dealing with they finally figured out a way to keep them separated from each other. However, the one is his class was a little more difficult. Even though we spoke with his teacher about the situation, the kid was still picking on Johnny and it was getting worse every day. Johnny started pretending he was sick so he wouldn't have to go to school - and he loved school... Then, the emotional bullying started turning into physical bullying. He started hitting my Johnny!! Now, I'm a pacifist and I do not condone fighting, but I also don't condone letting others push you around so his dad, my Matty, and I taught Johnny how to stand up for himself. Johnny was very hesitant about it because hitting someone was not something he wanted to do, especially because he wanted the kid to be his friend. We explained to Johnny that he should always try and resolve conflicts using words instead of actions, but if the kid hit him he had to hit him back to stand his ground. However, we taught him to never just hit someone - always warn them that you are not going to let them bully you and if they did it again he was going to hit them back. He said he understood and was going to put a stop to his bullying using what we taught him.
The next day I received a phone call from the office at his school letting me know that Johnny was being expelled (yes, you are reading that right... and yes, this was in kindergarten still). I couldn't believe what I was hearing. When I asked them how he could be getting expelled they told me it was for hitting because they have a zero tolerance fighting policy. I wanted to scream at them - if you have a zero tolerance fighting policy, why is my son being bullied every single day he comes to school?!?!?! Red flag #1... Matt worked much closer to the school so I called him and explained what the school just told me. Matt immediately went to the school to get Johnny and to have a few words with the principal about what happened. When he got there, the principal wouldn't even come out of his office to talk with him - he literally hid in his office! If Johnny was in the wrong, why would you need to hide? Red flag #2... Matt took Johnny and they both went home. They sat down and had a very long conversation about what happened. Johnny told Matt that he was getting a book in the classroom for silent reading time when his bully came over and hit him in the back. Johnny immediately went to his teacher and told her that the bully was picking on him again and his mommy and daddy told him that if he got hit again he was able to stick up for himself and hit the kid back. What did his teacher do? Grabbed him by the arm, like he was the one at fault, and dragged him to the office to have him expelled for his actions. (I'm still just so dumbfounded about this situation and this happened over 5 years ago!!) After our discussion with Johnny we called the school and talked with the principal over the phone, at least he was man enough to do that... We explained to him that Johnny was in no way doing anything wrong, all he was doing was trying to stand up to his bully since his teachers weren't helping take care of that problem. We told them that since Johnny did nothing wrong that we do not agree with him being expelled and when his transcripts are sent over to his new school for 1st grade it better show that Kindergarten had been fully completed. They agreed to take care of that. A week later the principal called and left a message for us apologizing for saying that Johnny was the "bad seed" (yes, he called my child that...) and that he really was an amazing child and they'd love for him to come back to finish up the school year. I called back and told them Johnny already finished school and we would not be returning.
Unfortunately, his bullying did not stop there. No matter where Johnny went he seemed to get picked on. Either because he was too goofy or because he's not really into sports or because he cries too much for them (I'm so sorry my kid has a heart...). So, finally Matt and I decided he needs to fully know how to defend himself and how to stand his ground. Matt started boxing with him at home and teaching him how to stand firm when someone tries to come at him. In between those lessons, we'd teach him about how not to fight as well and how to try and handle situations without ever having to raise a fist. We also taught him to hold his temper so he's thinking properly instead of out of anger. About two weeks ago, Johnny finally took the power away from his bully. He only had to push him down, he never once swung at him. The kid was shocked and actually took off running. Later Johnny saw this same bully picking on some other kid, Johnny immediately intervened (and the kid he was standing up for was picking on him and calling him names earlier that day). He got in between them and told the kid that from now on if he wants to bully anyone he'll have to get through Johnny first! Guess what happened? The bully walked away!! I'm telling you, I'm still bursting with pride over this!!!
Which brings us back to the conversation Johnny and I had the other day. We were sitting at the table just talking about how school was going and how things were going with his friends. Everything has been going so much better for him and he truly looked happier! Then, he turned to me and said, "So you remember the kid that was bullying me?" I was like, of course - what happened? Immediately I'm expecting him to tell me the bullying was starting again. Instead, this is the story he shared with me:
"At lunchtime today I saw (*insert the bully's name here) at the lunch table sitting alone and crying. I walked over to him and asked what was wrong and why he was so upset. *The bully* said that kids were picking on him and calling him ugly and other mean names. So, I turned to him and said now you see how I felt when you were mean to me. Then I walked over to the group of kids that were picking on him and told them they need to stop being so mean to *the bully* and if they don't they would have to deal with me because I will not allow this bullying to continue. I walked back over to *the bully* and he said thank you to me and apologized for being so mean to me before. It's pretty cool, now he's my friend, Mom!"
I didn't know what to say to him, I just hugged him and cried... I'm crying now sharing this story with you all! I'm so beyond proud of my son and the amazing young man he's turning into right before my eyes. I am so thankful for the amazingly humongous heart that God has blessed him with and I just know he's going to make a huge difference for the better in this world. I mean, he told me on the way to school this morning that when he grows up he wants to be a police officer, a fire fighter or a nurse - because he wants to dedicate his life to help others! I'm just so impressed by this kid of mine. I don't know what I did to have such an amazing kid but I'm so glad I did whatever it was I did!!
So, now you see yet another reason why I'm so happy all the time - because I'm lucky enough to have the greatest Happy as my son!!! And today, I'm sharing him with all of you!!! Life can be pretty crappy sometimes and so can the people in it but there is always some out there looking out for you and standing up for you, whether you see them or not. Never let anyone push you around, always be yourself and as my Johnny said years ago:
MAKE FRIENDS NOT FOES
LOVE ALL YOUR SISTERS AND BROS!!!
Now, go out and have yourself a Happy day - be kind and compassionate to every one you meet, and look out for the little guys that don't have the strength to stand on their own yet. Remember, never look down on anyone unless you're helping them up!!! Until later, keep smiling and spreading that love!!
Peace, Love and Happiness!
Karen :)
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